hmm. So much for 30 days of juice fasting! The confessions of a transgressor.

Okay, I am sitting here searching job sites whilst eating potato chips. I had brownies, albeit the healthy black bean vegan version, earlier today and I just can't kick some of these lifetime habits. I did so well - 16 days! And then it turned cold, got darker and I spent two days in the kitchen making pumpkin pie, quiche, soup, brownies and banana bread for my church's silent retreat. What is a girl to do? I decided to eat "mindfully" during the retreat, which I did, and get back on the saddle afterwards. Well, the saddle seemed a bit skewed from the horses back and i slipped and fell - not so hard, yet certainly not where I'd like to be.

Just a minute while I go grab myself another handful of those ridged potato chips!

Ritalin be damned - focusing on a job search is going to be one tough program. From ms. popkins.com and angelika, sites for nannies in Russia, to ISS, international schools services, to Development Directors and fundraisers, to proofreaders, to truck drivers and the occasional marketing director and pharma company thrown in, I am going NOWHERE.

Damn, my hands are small - one more handful coming up...

The 2 lb bag of Kettle Sea Salt ridged potato chips from Costco was opened yesterday. Because it's one big bag, who the hell knows how many you are actually eating in one sitting. The bag says that 1 serving is 150 calories and there are 32 serving in a bag - that makes it 4800 calories a bag. If you want to consume 1500 calories a day, you could eat it and only it for 3 days. 1/3 a bag per day for 3 days and NOTHING else. No, that won't do.

The food for the retreat was exceptionally popular and we had leftovers. Hence, I did not go back to juicing immediately, or ever. I juiced part-time until our trip to Hilton Head, then all hell broke loose in my brain and I found myself drinking coffee with cream!! Eating bagels with cream cheese! munching potato chips and tortilla chips and finally, by the end of the week, I ate 1/3 a bag of OREOS! OMG! What sick seed was planted in my brain? The green juice I made on Monday sat in the fridge half drunk until I poured it down the drain on Friday before we packed to go. Okay, long walks and bike rides to potentially compensate for such transgressions, it was an awful long way from where I was a month ago.

Will I find my resolve again? As I write, I realize how much more "awake" I am typing away here at blogger than surfing the job search engines. How will I find a job. I suppose now that I'm not "juicing" I can let this little blog site morph into a daily "what to do with my life" rambling, or what am I doing with my life rambling, or what happens when you die, or is there a God?

Did you know that burnt umber or sinopia perhaps are colors that bring out the color in your face and the green in your eyes?

We played 7 or 8 games of scrabble in Hilton Head and I actually won two of them. Not without the use of a dictionary. Fortunate for me, my aunt and uncle were playing mercy scrabble with me.

Enough for now, must attempt to spend a little more time looking for a job. I should note that I have yet to complete my "character" analysis and navel gazing I began. I could just take my cup of tea and curl up on the sofa with one of those lovely little books. Pathfinder, What Color is Your Parachute, I could Do Anything if Only I Knew What it Was, Decision Making and Spiritual Discernment, Career aptitude and Selection Tests. Read the dozens of pages I printed out from Career Leader on Line, memorize my Myers Briggs Profile or DISC profile, or go eat another handful of sea salt ridged potato chips. I finished the brownies, guilt-free as they were.

As we are in the midst of 30 days of gratitude with WEllsprings, let me say what I am most grateful for today:

The sunshine
The colors of leaves still clinging to the trees and blanketing the lawns
My friend Helen for her compassion, softness and beauty
Gaby, when she gives me her loving look
Marmite on toast
Mark's help with the furniture
My cute little car that took me in and out of Philly unharmed
the hot shower I took this morning and all the fragrant gels I was able to lather all over my body
My electric tea kettle
My laptop that I am everyday so very grateful to my friend Danielle for gifting me healthy parents who love me dearly and who I love dearly
sunglasses

This is good! This is very good! Sitting at my kitchen table and typing rather than writing in a journal are very conducive for provoking thoughts and writing. Most importantly, that is the longest list of things for which I am grateful that I have produced in AGES! See, how you can create the spirit of gratitude?

Two weeks!

Well, this is a journey. I am STARVING! Of course, i went shopping today for the Silent Retreat - Gentile's, Costco and Trader Joes. Just picking up and handling my favorite cheeses, looking at the breads, muffins, bagels, picking up granola and yoghurt.It just got to me I guess. I made a green drink and went to my class tonight at WEllsprings. When I got home, I tore into the almonds and now I'm eating raspberries! They taste unbelievable. I used to buy raspberries and then put them in the fridge choose chocolate and let them go moldy. What a waste. I admit. I'm an excellent example of someone who can overcome an addiction to refined sugar. Tomorrow will be a true test to my abilities. I'm going to make Moroccan lentil soup, 3 pumpkin pies, 3 quiche, 2 black bean brownies and 3 loaves of banana bread. Give me strength!

Early morning thoughts

I have been getting good sleep - at least 7-8 hours a night. I'm still "awakening" several times according to my fitbit, but not the 2 a.m. eat a bowl of cereal toss and turn kind of awakenings. I did a bit of calculating and even with my almonds, which if I am liberal are about 200-300 calories, I'm still getting 1500-1600 calories a day with juice. That is pretty good. If it's pure nutrition, it's no wonder that I'm not that hungry. As I've contemplated my "hunger" in the past, it would appear to be a ravenous tremendous dip in blood sugar craving that won't be satisfied with a glass of water or a piece of fruit. Hence, I've always fed it with calorie dense foods such as brownies, chips and dip, crackers and cheese. It was amazing that this only satiated the hunger temporarily and it came back just as viciously a few hours later. On my bike ride the other afternoon, I kept thinking about making a meal - salad with fish or chicken, and eating the pumpkin I had baked earlier with maple syrup. I "anticipated" my hunger and ravenous need for food after burning off calories through exercise. Yet, when I was home and thought deeply, I realized that I was not hungry. I decided to forego the mental craving and temptation and drank a small juice later with a few almonds. All was well and I quelled the craving. Am I truly learning the difference between a craving and hunger? Could I be becoming more mindful of my eating? This is exciting new territory for me. If I could identify these thoughts, I may be able to manage my eating under more stressful conditions as well.

Day 13

Wow. It can be done. Really. I'm amazed at my energy level and my balanced blood sugar and rare hunger. I meditated this morning in Ambler, walked this afternoon at mill road with Danielle's dogs and did a yoga class this evening in Collegeville. I didn't even drink my juice for dinner. I hope that this is a sign of days to come. I like this energy level a lot!

Am I cheating?

Okay. I have had almonds a few times now in a few days. I made a vegetable broth out of potatoes, onions, garlic, celery and carrots. It's a bit sweet from the carrots so I added salt. I could not resist the tender warm potatoes. I had to take a bite, and another and another. I needed to chew and swirl solids around in my mouth and the salt and pepper make it oh so yummy. Does this constitute cheating? I should be back on track tomorrow. I think a bit of solids that are natural should be okay. It's my fast and cleanse after all. I'm not trying to win a medal. The fact that I've been doing this already for 12 days is pretty darn good. I should try to figure out how much money I've spent so far doing this. I think less than $100 for almost half a month. That's fair. I have enough food for another week right now. I forgot to buy carrots.

Day 11

Okay, I forgot to write again yesterday, but I will do two today to make up for it. This morning I'll speak about Day 11. I had two juices before noon, a glass of lemon water and a few sips of tea. However, I was ravished by noon. I have been thinking of having an avocado and the half mini pumpkin, baked with maple syrup. I thought, if I ate the avocado, I could mix it with tomatoes and lime and pepper and make it guacamole. But if I did that, I'd need to use chips to eat it. How easily we fall prey to our thoughts. I compromised and ate a handful of almonds at lunch with my green spicy V8 (homemade of course). They were divine. By mid-afternoon, I decided to do a bike ride and go up to Malvern. It was a long climb up Old State road and I felt a bit guilty riding past my sister's house at 3 miles an hour and not stopping. I just know the boys would want to go with me and that would be not allowed since I was road cycling. I actually felt quite good during the ride. I turned back at White Horse rather than continue further as I was afraid of bonking. It ended up being a lovely 15.88 mile ride. I still felt great, but I kept thinking of having a salad with fish for dinner. Why not? I burned the calories and needed to replenish. I also ahd the mini-pumpkin in the oven waiting for me. I had tasted it earlier - just a small sliver - which was also divine. A little maple syrup and cinnamon. At the gym, I shared my fast with Yassir and Cindy who both tried my green dinner, but they were not really into the idea of juicing. In the sauna, Yanifa, a heavy-set black woman, asked me what was in my drink. It turns out she's been doing juices for breakfast and lunch for a month and has only lost 5 pounds. She was astounded that I've lost 12 pounds. Then she proceeded to tell me that her dinner included chocolate chip cookies or ice cream. I was surprised at that. I told her she was doing herself a disservice by eating refined sugar like that. We compared juicing tips and juicer types. Hope to see her again! Great inspiration and camaraderie. Finally, got that spelling right! Still at 168. I'd love to see it at 165 by Wednesday, if not lower. That would make 15 pounds in 2 weeks. If I could be below 160 by the end of the month, that would be amazing! Yes, this is all about losing weight. I confess. I am sick sick sick of being the fat girl. I am sick of seeing my triple chin and when I see photos, I am in shock. Now, I do wonder about the loose skin at the end. Am I elastic enough to bounce back to a decent figure or will I live with rolls of skin?

Day 10

Well, 1/6th of the way through. I had a good day today. This morning, I discovered I could make four different beverages in thirty five minutes. Well maybe forty. I used a four bottle wine carrier to take them into the city, but two spilled through the straw sized openings anyway. So now I have pear juice and coconut water all over my car floor. Yuck. I saw a matinee with Tina and we went to wholefoods. I was hungry but I bought three juices. One had chia seeds, so well see what that does to my intestines tonight:) I was down to 168 this morning. That's 12 pounds in ten days. I will wait until next weekend to try some other clothes on (other than elastic waistband pants!) I didn't drink full juices today but I also didn't get much exercise. It's been pouring rain all day and has gotten colder. I am thinking of making a vegetable broth to drink like tea and adding salt. I'm craving salty foods.

Day 9

I felt great today! I had my sunrise juice (20 oz), then a coconut water with pear, grape and apple juice, then an awesome spicy green juice for lunch, lemon-lime crushes throughout the day, some herbal tea and another green juice for dinner. I did eye the avocados and was wondering if they were mine or Eliza's. Googled whether or not eating an avocado would mean I broke the juice fast. Didn't get really clear information on that. The nice thing about today is that I thought LESS about food and wasn't that hungry. I think that yesterday was the day after an 11 mile bike ride and perhaps I was genuinely hungry and hadn't replenished my calories properly. I don't know, but I'll try to stay vigilant and pay close attention. My class last night with Ken was super - twice we meditated and the group seems quite nice. I will be spending every Wednesday evening with them. I shared about my "food addiction" and also about my juice fast. It's a bit like an AA meeting, but with a more Wellspringian spiritual bent. It will be helpful for me as I continue on this journey. Today, while raining heavily, I walked nearly 4 miles over at Wilson Park. I thought I would try to walk between heavy rains, but ended up being caught in one. Oh, well, it was refreshing. I did yoga with Amy at St. Davids - what a great feeling! The class was an hour and a half and I was feeling really good. Once my stomach continues to shrink, I'll be able to bend forward across my thighs again - that will be so nice:) I thought I might have a difficult time making four loaves of banana bread, so I made it in my mom's kitchen so my kitchen wouldn't smell like baked banana bread. It wasn't so bad, until it came out of the oven and I had to take the loaves out of the tins. Some was left on the bottom and all I could think was how delicious grabbing that little bit with nuts and chocolate chips would be. I DID NOT...

Week One! Woo! Hoo!

I completely forgot to write yesterday. It must have been that crazy evening at the Night Sky Sangha. What a strange group - the leader in particularly had nothing positive to say and cussed up a storm and wouldn't let anyone get a word in edgewise. he seemed to be the master of himself and all knowing yet self-effacing non-knowing. Weird. At least I managed to meditate for 30 minutes prior to the 25 minutes of ranting I endured before I walked out. I had a pretty darn good day yesterday. After all the rain on Monday, yesterday was beautiful. I sat outside reading most of the morning and early afternoon. Danielle invited mom and me to walk with the dogs at Teegarden. There was a lovely Brit with a tiny puppy pug named Mable who enjoyed walking and playing with us. I meant to upload my luscious meals yesterday, but as I said, i forgot. So here goes: Breakfast: Transformed: Midmorning Snack: Transformed: Lunch and dinner: Transformed: Without the Vodka, of course. Would Yeltsin still approve? I forgot to photograph my afternoon juice of Watermelon, Lime and Mint - heavenly, to say the least! I did an 11 mile bike ride yesterday along Yellow Springs Road and back up Swedesford through Chesterbrook. It was beautiful - went a bit too late and caught afternoon rush hour. Will try to avoid that today. NOTE: I've lost TEN pounds! I am now 170. I look forward to breaking that number this week. I am DETERMINED - as much as my mind does nothing but lust after baked, toasted, cooked and crunchy sustenance - I'm not physically hungry - but mentally, I'm breaking records with my cravings. I'm going to get through DAY EIGHT - day eight is great:)

Day 6

I'm feeling it. Oh, my gosh. I have been hungry every two hours. I'm thinking about food constantly. My next meal, when this is over. Going to a silent retreat for the vegetarian food. Brown rice and broccoli wit lj a creamy tahini sauce. Salad with chicken. Bagels and cream cheese. Macaroni and cheese. Ugh! I'm going to bed. I have been up since 530 although I did take a nap at one. I had two green juices, a sunrise (orange, grapefruit and beet), cocnut water with pear juice and a watermelon like basil drink in the afternoon. I want something crunchy. Tortilla chips and salsa. Gazpacho would be delicious I have visions of eating on Saturday night up in Connecticut and then going back to my fast. Better not even go! Was thinking of camping in Vermont but how would I juice? No electricity no running water. Better not. I'd love to hike and see the beautiful fall foliage. I'm not feeling very energetic today. Damn I'm hungry. Six days. Will tomorrow be easier? I thought by now I'd be eased into this. Perhaps the banana I had yesterday messed me up. It's 9 I can go to bed.

Day 5

Okay, I confess, I had 2 slices of apple last night and a banana today!! Shoot me! At least I didn't dig into something more tempting. Oh, my olifactory sensors are so enlightened, heightened and alert. I'm craving burgers, fries, chips, guacamole - but not candy. I think the apples and fruit juices are satiating my desire for sweets. Today, I went on a bike ride - 11.5 miles with hills - my legs and lungs felt good. I didn't drink juice right away, which might have been a mistake, but I had to clean up the barn sale stuff before the rain tomorrow. I'm down to 175 - with clothes on! Woo! Hoo! One day at a time. If I can't get a date, a job or get out of debt, I might as well try to lose weight:)! Amen.

Day four

Day 4 I am feeling so much better! Yesterday I turned the corner. I had more energy, I didn't get a headache and I wasn't that hungry. Tonight, I survived pumpkin bread, cranberry tart, chocolate cake and brownies! I did Indulge and had three slices of apple. Okay, it wasn't juice but it was raw and fruit. I realize that I need to make some savory juices. I've has nothing but sweet stuff for four days. So dinner had no apple or ginger and I added dill and tomatoes and parsley. It was luscious! I also discovered that blending grape and lemon is fabulous! No stevia necessary. I feel hungry but I'm okay with it. I keep thinking about my body consuming the fat cells and I can endure it all. Made it through four days. As Vivian Leigh says, tomorrow is another day.

Yesterday I did not start. I couldn't do it. I fasted from 9 p.m. to 9 a.m. - or actually, 10:30 a.m. That is not the bad part, I can do that, but after the minute clinic workup (where I learned my glucose is 72 - good and cholesterol is 180 - bad - I could not stop thinking about food, and the sausage, egg and cheese biscuit with coffee from Wegmans. I went to Gentille's and bought $28 worth of fruits and veggies and my car just drove itself right into the parking lot at Wegman's. I had to get my meds anyway, so there you have it. I thoroughly enjoyed that sandwich and coffee. I told Joyce what I was doing and asked her not to comment, not to give advice, but just to listen and be a witness. I went biking with Dennis and didn't have time to eat before going to Doylestown for a meditation. I did eat, at 11 p.m., fried the fish and had asparagus and mushrooms, the last cake pop and was in bed by midnight or so. I'm a bit groggy this morning - ended up going back to bed for over an hour. Just felt wiped out. I have been drinking a lot of water and made two glasses of juice so far today - both very tasty. I've made a lemonade now as well - really fresh - with stevia. I do want to go back to bed...It's a beautiful day - truly magnificent. I am trying to figure out how to get the barn sale together for Saturday. I have to clean out my back back room and see what I have there I can put in the sale. I'll need to go through the DVDs today or tomorrow or Friday as well.

Today is the last day of September 2013. I've been "unemployed" now for three full months. This has been a year of turmoil followed by grace. Grace to be able to recover, grace to be able to leave an environment that has led me down a slow path of self-destruction. The last three months have been a process of bringing myself out of a very dark and deep place. I'm still not there yet. I've been learning that demons are difficult to leave behind, they have a way of following you wherever you go. So, I've been re-inspired tok take a journey inwards again and face a demon that I've been struggling with for a very long time - probably since high school. My addiction to food and alcohol. It's a challenge to admit this and knowing that this blog will remain private and personal, I am willing to do so here. I've been toying with the idea of a green juice fast for a very long time - 1 day, 3 day, 10 day, 60 day - and yet, since 2007, I have yet to succeed at doing such a thing. This past two months since returning from vacation in mid-July, I've thought I could conquer my food addiction simply by cutting down, cutting out, balancing - yet I've realized that I cannot do it. I simply cannot cut back, have one, skip it. So, rather than lose time and hope, I've decided to finally do it. Tomorrow is October 1st - I have no excuses. There will always be an invitation to a party, a dinner, a lunch, drinks, an event, birthday, family night, book club, game night, just plain craving a drink and chocolate night. Summer season is over - no fresh fruits anymore - tomatoes are almost all gone, basil is finished. I re-visited the documentary with Joe from Australia Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. So, tomorrow I start my 60 day juice fast. I'm going to CVS to get my numbers done and will explore my inner strength. I'm nervous, I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm determined, I'm hopeful. I'll post my numbers tomorrow along with some "before" photos and a short video clip that my mom will take. She is the only one I've told that I'm doing this - except my therapist. Wish me luck!